The Divorce Coach

Dictionary definition of observe - To see, watch, perceive or notice is the first dictionary definition I found.

To observe requires you to stand back a bit - what springs to mind when I use the word observe is detachment from the subject matter. When we can learn to observe without becoming involved we find that we can 'see' so much more.

I find it useful to construct a virtual observation tower to climb into when I'm finding myself a bit frustrated, or stressed about something. I deliberately take time to go into the tower and look at the situation with a 360 degree viewpoint. Sure, it takes time and sometimes I have to admit to things which I haven't recognised before and maybe haven't wanted to see.

Ultimately we are all good at observing others, and usually judging them - it takes practise to observe yourself and trust me there's only one actor in the story being played out who you can ask to do/be/say something else.

Have fun observing and become the director of your own story not just the main character.

Jackie Walker

www.thedivorcecoach.co.uk

The concept of surrendering to anything is one which most folk find a challenge. It's very often in the moment of surrender though that you find peace, the stress leaves, the truth outs. Perhaps another word to use in the context I'm exploring surrender is acceptance.

Most often, the word surrender has come to mean surrendering yourself to someone else's power and tacked on the back is often the feeling that it's therefore disempowering and you would be a failure if you surrendered. I wonder if that's why we keep fighting and resisting.

Learning to let go of your need to be right while knowing you're not being wrong is surrender. It's only the need to prove yourself which is causing angst. Adopting new strategies and accepting that your old ones have not served you is surrender.

You can order a cappucino in Starbucks and when a latte appears you can surrender to the truth that you've got a latte. So what if you ordered cappucino - it doesn't change the fact that a latte appeared does it? To get upset and cross that you ordered one thing and got another isn't going to make a jot of difference to what's in the cup! Surrendering to the situation allows you to then take the next step in a calm and considered manner - and hopefully it's not wringing the barista's neck!

Wherever there's a power struggle - and in divorce there are many - it is the ability to step back, to see what is real and then take a considered step forward. There are power struggles going on in folk's heads all the time - money, new business, relationships, weather, what's on the tv.

Watch today and see what happens when you stop having to be right and prove yourself, you just might find that you become less critical. So often it's not such a big deal and the best bit - you can choose whether you want to be stressed about it or not!

Surrender to ease, surrender to fun, surrender to what is and not what you think it should be.

Jackie Walker

www.thedivorcecoach.co.uk

Oh heck here they are again is what goes through many parents minds when holidays are mentioned, isn't it! How to juggle kids and work and keep everyone happy. We divorcees are no different - or are we!?

Well a lot depends on what kind of childcare arrangements are in place and what has been agreed about holidays. I know some folk who see their kids just for 2 weeks in the summer and the rest of the time the parent with care is in charge of all the juggling, out of hours care, day camps, sending to grandparents, and other family members. Other families have a very open door and flexible policy. Others have a rigid structure. There's no right or wrong. But there're bound to be useful ideas for us all to share!

In Scotland the summer term has ended already - yes seriously! From the outset in my own situation, we agreed that holidays would be split 50/50 - and in the most part that seems to work, EXCEPT when I think about it. So I've been thinking today, hence the blog! Four weeks with each parent and only telephone contact in between - it's a long time isn't it? Last night at 9.46pm (roughly) I said good bye to my daughters after their end of term concert until I see them again at the end of July. I've learned to control my emotions now after 5 years and can do it with great equanimity and with a smile and joke - it seems to keep everyone happy ... until I get in my car with the knowing that I have 4 whole weeks to do whatever I want, with whoever I want and however I want, or I can be lonely and purposeless - and for a while I feel a bit lost, not knowing which of the two to choose.

Sometimes that kind of freedom is scary - when did you last have 4 weeks completely to yourself? What did you do with it? Did you think - 'brilliant I can knuckle down to some serious work now', or did you think up some adventures to go on?

It's highly unusual for couples still together to understand this sense of either emptiness or gay abandon - and very often they are jealous of what they perceive the freedom to be. I can fully appreciate their thought process - and I now take full advantage of my 'alone' time. But it wasn't always that way - even a day or two was strange to begin with - and then a week loomed into focus and then four whole weeks.

The worst bit for me is that I know my kids will expect me to take my holidays to coincide with theirs so little chance of gadding off for a month! Work still has to play a huge part during my 'free' time - how would you best deal with it?

You know something just isn't right in your relationship. You know that you can't keep on living like this. But at the same time you don't know how to get help because there's always someone at your shoulder looking at your emails, listening to your phone calls, watching your internet history - ok - so what can you do which might help you? You might have to start the way you are going to go on - you just might have to consider not being joined at the hip, and to carve out some 'me' time. You need time to process what's going on in your mind when you're not being watched and questionned. So how do you do that?

First -

Start by taking small steps towards separating yourself from the situaton -

It might mean going and having a bath and locking the door.

It might mean starting to take walks in the evening or during the day.

It might mean finding something to do on your own just for an hour or two at the weekends.

Second -

You need to remember that there are two of you involved in this situation and neither of you are feeling comfortable.

It's so natural to pull back inside yourself, and they will too - you don't want to be honest and talk about what you're really feeling and neither do they. What if either of you said something which couldn't be taken back? BUT and it's a big but, can you remember what it was like before you got here - d'you remember how you used to discuss everything?

Third -

Know what it is you want. Know what it is you want to change and then start to look at how you can incorporate that into your life by you doing the changing first. Yes, I know, you think it's the other person, and ironically it's often us who has done a bit of cutting the nose off to spite our face. Tough pill to swallow - but just check and see where you have been guilty of the things you accuse him/her of.

Fourth -

Stop, look and listen - the Tufty code for those of us old enough to remember how to cross the road safely. Is what you think is the issue the real issue? Is the fact that she's grumpy when you get home the key to the problem, is it that his dumping boxers and socks, car parts, whatever in the wrong place really the issue - or is it that you don't feel valued? What part of you is calling out for attention and are you paying attention to the wrong thing?

Fifth -

How to seek help and speak up in a safe environment – you might want to learn how to clear the history tabs from your computer - this is how -

Tools - internet options - browsing history and delete where it indicates.

Email - set up a hotmail or google mail account for your eyes only which remains web based and not downloaded into Outlook or similar.

Phone - landlines - dial another number quickly after the last one you dialled.

Mobiles - Delete call logs immediately.

And a final top  tip above and beyond the 5 specials - you need to take special care of your 'footsteps' if you are feeling under threat in anyway.  Feeling guilty shows in your face, in your mannerisms, and in your tone of voice.  Could you consider speaking to your partner and saying how you feel - you would have to be prepared to be vulnerable and perhaps even 'wrong' but isn't that preferable to the inner turmoil you are now experiencing?  Could you find it in you to tell your partner that you want help to put it right or at least find out what's causing the problem and therefore sort it?  Could you both take some time to sort out what at first glance seems insurmountable but is usually down to something very simple - you've either outgrown one another, want different things, have different values or are feeling under pressure and have retreated into your normal coping patterns.  There is very little which is new - it's just how it shows up in different lives.  You are normal and so is your partner.

I'm here to talk to if that will help - Freephone 0800 019 6862.  I'm on call from 7am till 10pm most days - if I'm not available, I'll call you back to arrange a better time.  Skype me on jackiewalker1 - we can either message or talk - either way - reach out for help, it's a sign of strength not weakness.

Jackie Walker

www.thedivorcecoach.co.uk

There are times in life when it feels like we're entering into an Alice in Wonderland scene - we haven't got a clue what's going on around us, everything seems to be topsy turvy, everything has taken on a new meaning and nothing looks like it should - does that strike a chord or maybe you can close your eyes and just picture what I'm saying and how it is relevant in your own life. 

It's a very unsettling and generally uncomfortable place to be, we're used to 1 + 1 making 2 and suddenly even the maths don't add up.  Whatever you believe or think, there's a counter argument and case for it.  It pushes you to go along new paths which you just might not have wanted to.

This weekend the sun shone - at last,  I might add.  My dog, Miga - she's a blonde 10 year old labrador, and I went for a walk on Saturday - we made it a long walk as I was trying to save petrol and needed to get some things from the shops.   Having made it to the shops I was disheartened to find that they didn't have what I needed.  Rather than dwelling on my disappointment at not being able to make what I'd planned for dinner, Miga and I set off back along our tracks for home.  Only I decided that I could take the opportunity to go home a different way - one I'd never seen before. 

At the bottom of the steps, there was a doorway (no door) to a path running alongside the river and it looked so inviting and it looked like it was headed in the right direction - after 10 minutes, the path stopped abruptly.  We had no choice but to retrace our steps back to the door, and when nearly there, I found another path, slightly higher up the hill and so we took that one - it ran in parallel to the first one, and was well laid out, with edges - wey hey, this is going the right way and we continued walking.  We came across a huge tree which had fallen over the path and there was nothing for it but to clamber up on top - I used the ivy like a stirrup and swung my leg over like mounting a horse - and on we wandered.  A bit further along, there was another huge tree and once again we had to negotiate our way up and over.  Just a few steps later and I was amazed, the path stopped - just stopped.  Now I could think that it went nowhere, but it did go somewhere it just didn't go to where I expected it to!  And it also didn't go to somewhere I thought was particularly useful.  Long and short - we had to retrace our steps again, although half way along the return journey I found another path with steps which took me up and out and onto the main road.

Everything you do and everywhere you go adds to your knowledge, it helps you make the next decision.  If you are in don't know land, it's ok to start exploring your options, it's ok to follow things and find they are a dead end, it's ok to retrace your steps.  If you only stick to the way you know, you'll never find out how many other ways there are, nor get to do things just because. 

Sometimes practising this is a bit of a challenge - so set yourself a goal to go for a walk, not knowing where you're going when you set out.  Only when you reach each turning or crossroads or dead end, make a decision as to whether to continue straight on, turn left, right or retrace.   Practising not having a known outcome can be very liberating and gives you an enormous sense of fun, exploration and achievement as the newness of what you're doing seeps in and allows you to relax into not needing to know everything.

Jackie Walker

www.thedivorcecoach.co.uk