The Divorce Coach

• I like to wonder out loud and I like to get an understanding of how other people work - I think we're just complicated systems, a bit like a computer with different software programmes, hardware etc.
  
  This morning when I was out walking the dog, the thought came to me - as they usually do at that time in the morning, do you find thoughts coming to you at the same times every day? Anyway, there I was walking through the fields, all quiet and peaceful and suddenly, out of nowhere came this strange thought
  
  'Do people value their love life in the same way as they look at their business and what would happen if they did?'
  
  
  Now, bearing in mind the work I do, I tend to spend time with people who are short on love. Well they're not actually, it's just the love of a significant other and often that's half the problem - there's so much more to love than one significant person isn't there - you've got friends, children, family, yourself, God/universe/spirit (whatever you like to call it). But most folk really want and need a significant other in their lives and that's for all sorts of reasons, part of which is being human!
  
  I question how we look at that significant other though - if we take the opportunity to view our relationships in the same context as business -
  
  Would you look to your key customer and supplier and treat them without respect - no you wouldn't.
  Would you run your business without goals, marketing, targets, advertising, PR, staff and customers - eh, no I don't think so.
  Would you be able to succeed in business without communicating - ha ha ha
  Would you be able to serve your customers if you didn't know what their needs were
  If there was a gap in your market would you try and fill it?
  Do you allow for feedback from directors and managers?

If you let that rumble around for a wee while then take a minute or an hour and think about your relationship - past, present or future - what do you do that can be improved?  What training do you need to be a better partner?

Jackie Walker

www.thedivorcecoach.co.uk

I consider myself lucky to still have kids young enough to enjoy the Disney/Pixar etc films because it gives me an excuse to settle down and get the 'other' message which is so often running through them.

If you haven't seen Horton hears a Who, it's well worth investing a fiver to go and see it - whatever age you are! Horton questions the very meaning of existence - what if we are just a speck. What if there is something much bigger than us which makes a difference to our world. Horton is the big thing and he goes out of his way to save the speck world from disaster - coming up against all sorts of dangers and evils on his way.

My daughter asked me which bit I liked best and I could instantly identify two key bits

- when he crosses a rickety rope bridge and has to adopt two new strategies - one fill himself with air (it nearly worked but he ran out of breath) and then the second - he kept looking up and out because to look down all he could see was inevitable disaster. When he reaches the other side in one piece he does a dance because he's feeling so happy - and then he wonders to himself if it's because he now has a purpose.

- when he steadfastly sticks to his truth even against the onslaught of the whole jungle. As always is the case in these films, the ending is perfect - all the other animals suddenly heard what he heard and he was free. The really nice touch was that he held no grudge against the main perpetrator of his near downfall and understood that she was only doing the best she could with what she believed to be true.

Horton taught much of what I teach - how to believe in yourself, finding those who do believe in you, to have a purpose, to question your reality, and lastly you are never too big or too small to learn how to do something new even if it seems like climbing Everest just now.

Jackie Walker

www.thedivorcecoach.co.uk

Does your divorce make you feel like you are a reject, been thrown back on the pile, totally worthless, and crying in pain?  Even if you chose the divorce do you feel that you have maybe rejected a chance to work at something, put yourself back out on the pile, worthless because you couldn't fix your relationship?

See, divorce works both ways - both sides can feel rejected and worthless.  And I bet that surprises you! The first thing to do at this stage is recognise that you aren't a reject - you are perfectly imperfect!  A reject pair of jeans might be a pair where the stitching of the legs comes not up the sides as they should, but up the front of your knees - I bought a pair like that once and it was really annoying as I didn't notice the flaw when I was in the shop and the shop was in Lanzarote so there was no chance to take them back and be refunded my money!  I did wonder though if my legs were perhaps a strange shape and maybe I was at fault and the jean makers were making things to fit other people perfectly!  I really like these jeans, the material was so soft, they clung to me and looked fantastic, it was just the seam of the right leg which didn't work.  We were just not meant to be and they were not meant to hang in my wardrobe!

You see relationships are just the same, you can try them on and then discover that in fact one size doesn't fit all, and sometimes one style doesn't suit you.   The 'flaw' might be something which isn't transparent immediately or you change shape or the colours fade. 

You haven't been rejected and you haven't rejected someone else - that is not a useful way to look at a relationship breakdown - what's happened is you don't suit one another any longer.  Time for new jeans me thinks.

I love acronyms and although most of us know what divorce means - here's another way to look at it, and if you're a reader of my blogs, you'll know that I love looking at things differently. 

D  Division

I  In

V  Values

O  Obscures

R  Relationship

C  Creativity and

E  Enjoyment

Perhaps it's time you took a look at your values and noticed what ones have caused friction in your life with your partner - eg money is an emotive subject when each of you hold different values around it. 

Jackie Walker

www.thedivorcecoach.co.uk

Divorce is not a disease, it is not infectious, it is not contagious, it is not carried in the genes.

What it actually is, is a symptom of difference – different stages of lives, different values, different needs, different wants, different perspectives, different expectations, different stress levels, different degrees of flexibility and adaptability.

Napoleon Bonaparte cautioned his soldiers when marrying as 2^nd Lieutenants that they must remember that one day they could be captains and generals and to marry accordingly – they were likely to progress up the ladder and as such it was imperative that their partner was capable of doing the same.

Those with the greatest degree of flexibility and adaptability excel at changing circumstances. Those who are stuck in a rut believing something has always been a certain way, has worked up till now therefore why change it, get left behind. I read an article recently highlighting the speed of change in society today. I remember black and white television, I remember old money, I remember when I was first introduced to computers, mobile phones, emails, women in the board room, automatic washing machines, etc.

The speed of change, the availability of information, the shrinking world, the requirement to take individual responsibility and pay heed to global responsibility has made enormous and fundamental differences to the way we live.

How do two people who are different in many ways, yet similar in others grow through the chaos of change? Whether someone is willing to change is the answer, whether someone is willing to take on a new perspective, to be understanding, to stop clinging to something which has rapidly become outdated. Do you still wear your 80’s clothing?

Constant calibration is required when we work with shifting sands – some of which we impose upon ourselves, some dictated by society, some by the work we do, some that of the evolving family dynamics and we have a responsibility to ourselves and those around us to notice what is actually happening in our lives.

It is almost superfluous to say, though I will anyway because it is so crucial, that hiding one’s head in the sand ostrich style is futile. The need to change your thinking and the ability to communicate your feelings is key to getting through change and grow.

Hiding behind fear of things being different is no good – either they are or they aren’t and it is just a fact and the quicker you get used to it and accept it the better. Holding onto an image or thought of the past, kind of puts you in no-man’s land - you can’t go forward to something else, and you can’t go back as it’s gone.

If you order a cappuccino and the waitress comes along with a hot chocolate – what will you do? You can rant and rave and complain to the management – however it doesn’t actually change what’s in the cup does it?

Change further affects the synergy between two people – synergy being where the whole is greater than the sum of the parts – that’s like when 1 + 1 doesn’t equal 2 it equals 3. Many times couples find that the synergy they create is what they fall in love with. Over time with changes what happens is that one person’s 100% starts to reduce, by say 25% - so if he/she is working at 75% and the other is still at 100% then the level of synergy drops too. If both individuals stop working at 100%, or conversely start to work at 150%, then the synergy level starts to change dramatically and that’s what makes the relationship suddenly feel so different.

It is often reported that someone has changed, they aren’t the same person I married – well no of course they aren’t! How could they be? What experiences have they been through, what trainings, what new jobs, what new friends, what new sports, what books have they been reading, what travelling have you done, how many years have passed. My response to a client who tells me that someone has changed is to check whether they feel they have changed and if not, why not!

If divorce is a symptom therefore, it means that there is an underlying cause which has created the effect. This is not a situation which a sticky plaster will heal – this is a situation which can only be sorted with ‘open heart surgery’ - if you both take the time to really explore what your differences are now – with an open mind, with the willingness to take on the other person’s point of view, with the understanding that just because you two were once one, either or both of you has changed – and you might find resistance to it, or you might find that there’s willingness and flexibility and adaptability.  You can accept that there are now differences and you can choose to take steps to make changes to yourself or your way of thinking – however you cannot and must not make someone else change to fit your way.

Jackie Walker

jackie@thedivorcecoach.co.uk

www.thedivorcecoach.co.uk