The Divorce Coach

How is it possible that divorce might just be the ultimate in honouring your ex?

Prompted by an interesting article in today's Scotland on Sunday Spectrum magazine titled Leap of Faith by Catherine Deveney I've given myself a pause for thought and reflection.  In the article she is interviewing and writing about Bishop Gene Robinson who is most famous for being an American gay bishop.  Without getting into the vagaries of homosexuality however there are some very astute and interesting points about us understanding ourselves and our ability to sometimes be able to take a leap of faith - and I'm not talking religiously. 

What I find fascinating though is the ability of people who have been through a struggle to find their way back and to hold their heads up high for owning who they are.  At one point in his darkest moments the Bishop says that he felt he had nothing but God and his integrity - and then he found out that that was enough.  He married believing his gay feelings to have been a passing phase.  He was completely honest with his wife when he met her and they agreed that should it crop up again they would find a way to deal with it.  When eventually it did - they honoured one another and respected one another for their differences. 

"They ended their marriage by going back to church. "We took a priest with us to the judge's chamber for the final divorce hearing, then we went back to his church and asked each other's forgiveness for any ways we might have hurt each other." Then they returned their wedding rings as a symbol that they were each releasing the other from the vows they had made. "We pledged ourselves to the joint raising of our children, we cried a lot, and then we had communion together," recalls Robinson. "It was one of the most healing moments of my whole life.""

In addition, the article quotes the Bishop saying that the only way the couple could keep their wedding vows to honour each other was to let each other go.  This particular sentence has really struck me with their honesty, respect and genuine love for one another. 

How often could it be better that we honour ourselves and our spouses by being honest.  And in that honouring we could uphold the vow for the rest of our lives.

Calling all blog readers - As part of my new book - the Knots, Nots and Noughts of Divorce, I'm looking for some input from you.  Either use the comment button at the bottom of this entry, email jackie@thedivorcecoach.co.uk or connect with me on Skype - jackiewalker1 and give me your lists! 

What I'm looking for are the 20 things which make men and women scream about the opposite sex, I'm sure you know what I mean, things like:

- he always leaves wet towels on the floor

- she takes so long to get ready

- my kitchen's for food not car parts

- her pmt gets to me every month

- why can't a woman be more like a man

- he just doesn't think of what it involves

- she can't be spontaneous

Remember to point out which gender it's applying to as some screamy things aren't necessarily gender related!

Thanks in advance, I know there'll be a lot of cross overs and I'll post them up as soon as!

Jackie Walker

www.thedivorcecoach.co.uk

Divorce is often caused by relationship breakdown and that is most often caused by the inability of couples to relate with one another. The relationship ceases to exist the minute one or both parties stop relating. What is relating - it is being open and communicative, it is holding respect and understanding for the other person, it is allowing yourself to be vulnerable and not hiding your fears or your love. It is being truly honest and you without fear of recrimination or judgement.

There are some marriages which were never destined to last the pace because one of both failed from the outset to be totally honest with themselves and the person they were marrying. It takes a great deal of courage to allow yourself to be open and vulnerable - to drop your guard, to move on from the fear of what the other person might think of you.

You have to be selfish to enter into a successful marriage or partnership. True selfishness means knowing what and who is right or wrong for you, it is knowing what it is about another person you really find a challenge, it is knowing what it is that you are hiding from them. For example, the times:

• when their behaviour grates, or is inappropriate according to you
• when something they say or do makes you sad yet you turn the other cheek because you were just being stupid/too weak/too soft
• when you know that you like doing something which they don't and you stop doing it/don't admit to it
• when your attitudes towards things are so completely different and your opinion is over-ridden

So often we shut down on feelings and emotions and what we are really doing is shutting our own self out - our own rights to be proud of who we are in order to fit into what we think someone else wants. The problem is that most of the time that's just an assumption - have you ever taken the time to ask? You know in Bridget Jones - Edge of Reason, Mr Darcy loved her even more because of what she perceived to be flaws, and she assumed that they were the very things she had to change to have any chance of him loving her. We do make up such silly nonsenses don't we!

Say you did remain open and you were willing to ask - what would happen if you found that you were loved for just that very way of being you have. And, conversely, what if you were told that under no circumstances could that be tolerated - would you actually be prepared to continue relating and being open and honest. Would you be prepared to give that thing/behaviour/feeling up and still be fully yourself?

Being addicted to relationships is as bad and toxic for you as smoking, drinking too much and drugs. If you need someone else, and very often it’s anyone else, in your life more than facing up to what it is that makes you need them, I would very much like to encourage you to break the habit now.

Jackie Walker

www.thedivorcecoach.co.uk

A friend of mine took her own life on Friday and amongst other things it's prompted me to think about my own in stark clarity and reality.  I've been very ill for the last week and I've found it's been a challenge to think about how good my life is.  I can't remember the last time I struggled to put my legs over the bed, to get up and walk the dog, to enjoy the fresh air and countryside, to want to eat, to find it easy to talk on the phone and to generally see the funny side of life.  I had to cancel client appointments as I had to look after myself before I could like after them.

This morning I awoke fresh from a straight 7 hour sleep - the first in 8 days.  As I resumed my normal chores -  I took the time to think about my friend again.  She had had some really tough life challenges and when we went through training together she was so positive and getting better every day.  As I walked the dog along the sides of fields, crunching in the frost, with the blue sky and sun above me, the birds tweeting away - I felt very at peace with myself and the world and wondered if she could have done what I was doing and I recognised that nature wasn't her way.  She hadn't really connected with it for a long time.

Have you ever taken the time to know what it is that gives you that deep sense of peace which allows you to just do the Bisto 'Aaaaahhh'?  Sometimes it takes adversity and a throwing off the rails to allow us to realise and waken up to the fact that the smallest things in life around us are what make us content.  The other stuff is quite superficial, even though it often strikes at pain centres and causes us great stress.  I urge you to take time to walk in the park, get into a wood, go to the beach, climb a hill, look at the real world you live in - not the one you've created around you.  Learn the lessons that even after a very cold dark and frozen winter when all has looked bleak for months, the spring will come, the sun will warm up the earth and life will go on. 

My love and respect go to my friend who has chosen what she needed to do, may she now be at peace.

Your divorce is a direct reflection of you and that's part of the reason it can be so uncomfortable.  Your life is all about you and your relationships are all about you.  If you weren't in them there wouldn't be a life or a relationship so it stands to reason that you are the lynchpin of your world - don't you agree?

As a child Jackanory was one of my all time favourite TV shows.  I loved the faces the readers made, I loved the voices, they made the stories come alive and I was drawn right into them and anticipated each page turn with excitement and wonder of what would happen next.  Then we grow older and find that what we perceive as reality comes into play and that the stories are just a tad too much imagination and not enough reality.  Even the books we read we believe are just novels, there isn't any truth in them - how wrong can we be?  All novels start somewhere and in most cases they are based upon some form of personal experience, or drawn from other people's stories.  Anything which can be thought of or imagined can be true and that includes love, warmth, peace and happiness.

The trouble is our conditioning - society, parental, schooling, partners etc all have an effect on how we believe and see the world and our surroundings.  We stop believing that things are possible, we stop dreaming, we stop living and start existing in a vacuum of rules, restraints, and making do with whatever is to hand. 

If your divorce is about you - how's it going - what are you noticing about the feedback you're getting - what is there that is really driving you nuts?  One client of mine was getting irate, upset and ill because her husband wasn't helping to move the divorce forward - and yes 10 years is a long time!  When I asked her if she had done everything she could to expedite matters, it turned out that she had been holding back from giving her solicitor some key information.  This was about her, not him.  In my own situation I recognised that while I was complaining about my husband's stubbornness, I was in fact doing exactly the same. 

My divorce has taught me more about myself and how to accept responsibility for my own actions than anything else.  I didn't used to see how I got in my own way.  I didn't see that I was doing things ineffectively.  I learned to acknowledge and respect my husband for having the same wishes  I had - those of financial security and the love of our children.  I learned to look at my actions and take responsibility for them.  I learned that giving meant that I could get  peace of mind. 

Ask yourself this question - how can it possibly be true that I don't have what I want?  And if your answer is the house, majority of the money, orthe children - ask yourself another question - what will they give me?  Rest assured that your answer will be the same one as your partner's and that is what you are fighting about - let go of that desperation, of believing it's unfair, of retaliation - they're poison and there's just no point in drinking it. 

Remember what reading a book is like, putting it down at the end of a chapter, fill yourself with anticipation for the beginning of the next one - wonder and imagine what could happen, build a picture which excites you - unshackle yourself from the handcuffs which hold you stuck , look forward to turning the page of your life.  You are your own main character, but who are you allowing to write your story?