The Divorce Coach

Dictionary definition of observe - To see, watch, perceive or notice is the first dictionary definition I found.

To observe requires you to stand back a bit - what springs to mind when I use the word observe is detachment from the subject matter. When we can learn to observe without becoming involved we find that we can 'see' so much more.

I find it useful to construct a virtual observation tower to climb into when I'm finding myself a bit frustrated, or stressed about something. I deliberately take time to go into the tower and look at the situation with a 360 degree viewpoint. Sure, it takes time and sometimes I have to admit to things which I haven't recognised before and maybe haven't wanted to see.

Ultimately we are all good at observing others, and usually judging them - it takes practise to observe yourself and trust me there's only one actor in the story being played out who you can ask to do/be/say something else.

Have fun observing and become the director of your own story not just the main character.

Jackie Walker

www.thedivorcecoach.co.uk

The concept of surrendering to anything is one which most folk find a challenge. It's very often in the moment of surrender though that you find peace, the stress leaves, the truth outs. Perhaps another word to use in the context I'm exploring surrender is acceptance.

Most often, the word surrender has come to mean surrendering yourself to someone else's power and tacked on the back is often the feeling that it's therefore disempowering and you would be a failure if you surrendered. I wonder if that's why we keep fighting and resisting.

Learning to let go of your need to be right while knowing you're not being wrong is surrender. It's only the need to prove yourself which is causing angst. Adopting new strategies and accepting that your old ones have not served you is surrender.

You can order a cappucino in Starbucks and when a latte appears you can surrender to the truth that you've got a latte. So what if you ordered cappucino - it doesn't change the fact that a latte appeared does it? To get upset and cross that you ordered one thing and got another isn't going to make a jot of difference to what's in the cup! Surrendering to the situation allows you to then take the next step in a calm and considered manner - and hopefully it's not wringing the barista's neck!

Wherever there's a power struggle - and in divorce there are many - it is the ability to step back, to see what is real and then take a considered step forward. There are power struggles going on in folk's heads all the time - money, new business, relationships, weather, what's on the tv.

Watch today and see what happens when you stop having to be right and prove yourself, you just might find that you become less critical. So often it's not such a big deal and the best bit - you can choose whether you want to be stressed about it or not!

Surrender to ease, surrender to fun, surrender to what is and not what you think it should be.

Jackie Walker

www.thedivorcecoach.co.uk

How is it possible that divorce might just be the ultimate in honouring your ex?

Prompted by an interesting article in today's Scotland on Sunday Spectrum magazine titled Leap of Faith by Catherine Deveney I've given myself a pause for thought and reflection.  In the article she is interviewing and writing about Bishop Gene Robinson who is most famous for being an American gay bishop.  Without getting into the vagaries of homosexuality however there are some very astute and interesting points about us understanding ourselves and our ability to sometimes be able to take a leap of faith - and I'm not talking religiously. 

What I find fascinating though is the ability of people who have been through a struggle to find their way back and to hold their heads up high for owning who they are.  At one point in his darkest moments the Bishop says that he felt he had nothing but God and his integrity - and then he found out that that was enough.  He married believing his gay feelings to have been a passing phase.  He was completely honest with his wife when he met her and they agreed that should it crop up again they would find a way to deal with it.  When eventually it did - they honoured one another and respected one another for their differences. 

"They ended their marriage by going back to church. "We took a priest with us to the judge's chamber for the final divorce hearing, then we went back to his church and asked each other's forgiveness for any ways we might have hurt each other." Then they returned their wedding rings as a symbol that they were each releasing the other from the vows they had made. "We pledged ourselves to the joint raising of our children, we cried a lot, and then we had communion together," recalls Robinson. "It was one of the most healing moments of my whole life.""

In addition, the article quotes the Bishop saying that the only way the couple could keep their wedding vows to honour each other was to let each other go.  This particular sentence has really struck me with their honesty, respect and genuine love for one another. 

How often could it be better that we honour ourselves and our spouses by being honest.  And in that honouring we could uphold the vow for the rest of our lives.

Oh heck here they are again is what goes through many parents minds when holidays are mentioned, isn't it! How to juggle kids and work and keep everyone happy. We divorcees are no different - or are we!?

Well a lot depends on what kind of childcare arrangements are in place and what has been agreed about holidays. I know some folk who see their kids just for 2 weeks in the summer and the rest of the time the parent with care is in charge of all the juggling, out of hours care, day camps, sending to grandparents, and other family members. Other families have a very open door and flexible policy. Others have a rigid structure. There's no right or wrong. But there're bound to be useful ideas for us all to share!

In Scotland the summer term has ended already - yes seriously! From the outset in my own situation, we agreed that holidays would be split 50/50 - and in the most part that seems to work, EXCEPT when I think about it. So I've been thinking today, hence the blog! Four weeks with each parent and only telephone contact in between - it's a long time isn't it? Last night at 9.46pm (roughly) I said good bye to my daughters after their end of term concert until I see them again at the end of July. I've learned to control my emotions now after 5 years and can do it with great equanimity and with a smile and joke - it seems to keep everyone happy ... until I get in my car with the knowing that I have 4 whole weeks to do whatever I want, with whoever I want and however I want, or I can be lonely and purposeless - and for a while I feel a bit lost, not knowing which of the two to choose.

Sometimes that kind of freedom is scary - when did you last have 4 weeks completely to yourself? What did you do with it? Did you think - 'brilliant I can knuckle down to some serious work now', or did you think up some adventures to go on?

It's highly unusual for couples still together to understand this sense of either emptiness or gay abandon - and very often they are jealous of what they perceive the freedom to be. I can fully appreciate their thought process - and I now take full advantage of my 'alone' time. But it wasn't always that way - even a day or two was strange to begin with - and then a week loomed into focus and then four whole weeks.

The worst bit for me is that I know my kids will expect me to take my holidays to coincide with theirs so little chance of gadding off for a month! Work still has to play a huge part during my 'free' time - how would you best deal with it?

Calling all blog readers - As part of my new book - the Knots, Nots and Noughts of Divorce, I'm looking for some input from you.  Either use the comment button at the bottom of this entry, email jackie@thedivorcecoach.co.uk or connect with me on Skype - jackiewalker1 and give me your lists! 

What I'm looking for are the 20 things which make men and women scream about the opposite sex, I'm sure you know what I mean, things like:

- he always leaves wet towels on the floor

- she takes so long to get ready

- my kitchen's for food not car parts

- her pmt gets to me every month

- why can't a woman be more like a man

- he just doesn't think of what it involves

- she can't be spontaneous

Remember to point out which gender it's applying to as some screamy things aren't necessarily gender related!

Thanks in advance, I know there'll be a lot of cross overs and I'll post them up as soon as!

Jackie Walker

www.thedivorcecoach.co.uk