The Divorce Coach

You know something just isn't right in your relationship. You know that you can't keep on living like this. But at the same time you don't know how to get help because there's always someone at your shoulder looking at your emails, listening to your phone calls, watching your internet history - ok - so what can you do which might help you? You might have to start the way you are going to go on - you just might have to consider not being joined at the hip, and to carve out some 'me' time. You need time to process what's going on in your mind when you're not being watched and questionned. So how do you do that?

First -

Start by taking small steps towards separating yourself from the situaton -

It might mean going and having a bath and locking the door.

It might mean starting to take walks in the evening or during the day.

It might mean finding something to do on your own just for an hour or two at the weekends.

Second -

You need to remember that there are two of you involved in this situation and neither of you are feeling comfortable.

It's so natural to pull back inside yourself, and they will too - you don't want to be honest and talk about what you're really feeling and neither do they. What if either of you said something which couldn't be taken back? BUT and it's a big but, can you remember what it was like before you got here - d'you remember how you used to discuss everything?

Third -

Know what it is you want. Know what it is you want to change and then start to look at how you can incorporate that into your life by you doing the changing first. Yes, I know, you think it's the other person, and ironically it's often us who has done a bit of cutting the nose off to spite our face. Tough pill to swallow - but just check and see where you have been guilty of the things you accuse him/her of.

Fourth -

Stop, look and listen - the Tufty code for those of us old enough to remember how to cross the road safely. Is what you think is the issue the real issue? Is the fact that she's grumpy when you get home the key to the problem, is it that his dumping boxers and socks, car parts, whatever in the wrong place really the issue - or is it that you don't feel valued? What part of you is calling out for attention and are you paying attention to the wrong thing?

Fifth -

How to seek help and speak up in a safe environment – you might want to learn how to clear the history tabs from your computer - this is how -

Tools - internet options - browsing history and delete where it indicates.

Email - set up a hotmail or google mail account for your eyes only which remains web based and not downloaded into Outlook or similar.

Phone - landlines - dial another number quickly after the last one you dialled.

Mobiles - Delete call logs immediately.

And a final top  tip above and beyond the 5 specials - you need to take special care of your 'footsteps' if you are feeling under threat in anyway.  Feeling guilty shows in your face, in your mannerisms, and in your tone of voice.  Could you consider speaking to your partner and saying how you feel - you would have to be prepared to be vulnerable and perhaps even 'wrong' but isn't that preferable to the inner turmoil you are now experiencing?  Could you find it in you to tell your partner that you want help to put it right or at least find out what's causing the problem and therefore sort it?  Could you both take some time to sort out what at first glance seems insurmountable but is usually down to something very simple - you've either outgrown one another, want different things, have different values or are feeling under pressure and have retreated into your normal coping patterns.  There is very little which is new - it's just how it shows up in different lives.  You are normal and so is your partner.

I'm here to talk to if that will help - Freephone 0800 019 6862.  I'm on call from 7am till 10pm most days - if I'm not available, I'll call you back to arrange a better time.  Skype me on jackiewalker1 - we can either message or talk - either way - reach out for help, it's a sign of strength not weakness.

Jackie Walker

www.thedivorcecoach.co.uk