The Divorce Coach

Your divorce is a direct reflection of you and that's part of the reason it can be so uncomfortable.  Your life is all about you and your relationships are all about you.  If you weren't in them there wouldn't be a life or a relationship so it stands to reason that you are the lynchpin of your world - don't you agree?

As a child Jackanory was one of my all time favourite TV shows.  I loved the faces the readers made, I loved the voices, they made the stories come alive and I was drawn right into them and anticipated each page turn with excitement and wonder of what would happen next.  Then we grow older and find that what we perceive as reality comes into play and that the stories are just a tad too much imagination and not enough reality.  Even the books we read we believe are just novels, there isn't any truth in them - how wrong can we be?  All novels start somewhere and in most cases they are based upon some form of personal experience, or drawn from other people's stories.  Anything which can be thought of or imagined can be true and that includes love, warmth, peace and happiness.

The trouble is our conditioning - society, parental, schooling, partners etc all have an effect on how we believe and see the world and our surroundings.  We stop believing that things are possible, we stop dreaming, we stop living and start existing in a vacuum of rules, restraints, and making do with whatever is to hand. 

If your divorce is about you - how's it going - what are you noticing about the feedback you're getting - what is there that is really driving you nuts?  One client of mine was getting irate, upset and ill because her husband wasn't helping to move the divorce forward - and yes 10 years is a long time!  When I asked her if she had done everything she could to expedite matters, it turned out that she had been holding back from giving her solicitor some key information.  This was about her, not him.  In my own situation I recognised that while I was complaining about my husband's stubbornness, I was in fact doing exactly the same. 

My divorce has taught me more about myself and how to accept responsibility for my own actions than anything else.  I didn't used to see how I got in my own way.  I didn't see that I was doing things ineffectively.  I learned to acknowledge and respect my husband for having the same wishes  I had - those of financial security and the love of our children.  I learned to look at my actions and take responsibility for them.  I learned that giving meant that I could get  peace of mind. 

Ask yourself this question - how can it possibly be true that I don't have what I want?  And if your answer is the house, majority of the money, orthe children - ask yourself another question - what will they give me?  Rest assured that your answer will be the same one as your partner's and that is what you are fighting about - let go of that desperation, of believing it's unfair, of retaliation - they're poison and there's just no point in drinking it. 

Remember what reading a book is like, putting it down at the end of a chapter, fill yourself with anticipation for the beginning of the next one - wonder and imagine what could happen, build a picture which excites you - unshackle yourself from the handcuffs which hold you stuck , look forward to turning the page of your life.  You are your own main character, but who are you allowing to write your story?