The Divorce Coach

How is it possible that divorce might just be the ultimate in honouring your ex?

Prompted by an interesting article in today's Scotland on Sunday Spectrum magazine titled Leap of Faith by Catherine Deveney I've given myself a pause for thought and reflection.  In the article she is interviewing and writing about Bishop Gene Robinson who is most famous for being an American gay bishop.  Without getting into the vagaries of homosexuality however there are some very astute and interesting points about us understanding ourselves and our ability to sometimes be able to take a leap of faith - and I'm not talking religiously. 

What I find fascinating though is the ability of people who have been through a struggle to find their way back and to hold their heads up high for owning who they are.  At one point in his darkest moments the Bishop says that he felt he had nothing but God and his integrity - and then he found out that that was enough.  He married believing his gay feelings to have been a passing phase.  He was completely honest with his wife when he met her and they agreed that should it crop up again they would find a way to deal with it.  When eventually it did - they honoured one another and respected one another for their differences. 

"They ended their marriage by going back to church. "We took a priest with us to the judge's chamber for the final divorce hearing, then we went back to his church and asked each other's forgiveness for any ways we might have hurt each other." Then they returned their wedding rings as a symbol that they were each releasing the other from the vows they had made. "We pledged ourselves to the joint raising of our children, we cried a lot, and then we had communion together," recalls Robinson. "It was one of the most healing moments of my whole life.""

In addition, the article quotes the Bishop saying that the only way the couple could keep their wedding vows to honour each other was to let each other go.  This particular sentence has really struck me with their honesty, respect and genuine love for one another. 

How often could it be better that we honour ourselves and our spouses by being honest.  And in that honouring we could uphold the vow for the rest of our lives.

Oh heck here they are again is what goes through many parents minds when holidays are mentioned, isn't it! How to juggle kids and work and keep everyone happy. We divorcees are no different - or are we!?

Well a lot depends on what kind of childcare arrangements are in place and what has been agreed about holidays. I know some folk who see their kids just for 2 weeks in the summer and the rest of the time the parent with care is in charge of all the juggling, out of hours care, day camps, sending to grandparents, and other family members. Other families have a very open door and flexible policy. Others have a rigid structure. There's no right or wrong. But there're bound to be useful ideas for us all to share!

In Scotland the summer term has ended already - yes seriously! From the outset in my own situation, we agreed that holidays would be split 50/50 - and in the most part that seems to work, EXCEPT when I think about it. So I've been thinking today, hence the blog! Four weeks with each parent and only telephone contact in between - it's a long time isn't it? Last night at 9.46pm (roughly) I said good bye to my daughters after their end of term concert until I see them again at the end of July. I've learned to control my emotions now after 5 years and can do it with great equanimity and with a smile and joke - it seems to keep everyone happy ... until I get in my car with the knowing that I have 4 whole weeks to do whatever I want, with whoever I want and however I want, or I can be lonely and purposeless - and for a while I feel a bit lost, not knowing which of the two to choose.

Sometimes that kind of freedom is scary - when did you last have 4 weeks completely to yourself? What did you do with it? Did you think - 'brilliant I can knuckle down to some serious work now', or did you think up some adventures to go on?

It's highly unusual for couples still together to understand this sense of either emptiness or gay abandon - and very often they are jealous of what they perceive the freedom to be. I can fully appreciate their thought process - and I now take full advantage of my 'alone' time. But it wasn't always that way - even a day or two was strange to begin with - and then a week loomed into focus and then four whole weeks.

The worst bit for me is that I know my kids will expect me to take my holidays to coincide with theirs so little chance of gadding off for a month! Work still has to play a huge part during my 'free' time - how would you best deal with it?

Calling all blog readers - As part of my new book - the Knots, Nots and Noughts of Divorce, I'm looking for some input from you.  Either use the comment button at the bottom of this entry, email jackie@thedivorcecoach.co.uk or connect with me on Skype - jackiewalker1 and give me your lists! 

What I'm looking for are the 20 things which make men and women scream about the opposite sex, I'm sure you know what I mean, things like:

- he always leaves wet towels on the floor

- she takes so long to get ready

- my kitchen's for food not car parts

- her pmt gets to me every month

- why can't a woman be more like a man

- he just doesn't think of what it involves

- she can't be spontaneous

Remember to point out which gender it's applying to as some screamy things aren't necessarily gender related!

Thanks in advance, I know there'll be a lot of cross overs and I'll post them up as soon as!

Jackie Walker

www.thedivorcecoach.co.uk

• I like to wonder out loud and I like to get an understanding of how other people work - I think we're just complicated systems, a bit like a computer with different software programmes, hardware etc.
  
  This morning when I was out walking the dog, the thought came to me - as they usually do at that time in the morning, do you find thoughts coming to you at the same times every day? Anyway, there I was walking through the fields, all quiet and peaceful and suddenly, out of nowhere came this strange thought
  
  'Do people value their love life in the same way as they look at their business and what would happen if they did?'
  
  
  Now, bearing in mind the work I do, I tend to spend time with people who are short on love. Well they're not actually, it's just the love of a significant other and often that's half the problem - there's so much more to love than one significant person isn't there - you've got friends, children, family, yourself, God/universe/spirit (whatever you like to call it). But most folk really want and need a significant other in their lives and that's for all sorts of reasons, part of which is being human!
  
  I question how we look at that significant other though - if we take the opportunity to view our relationships in the same context as business -
  
  Would you look to your key customer and supplier and treat them without respect - no you wouldn't.
  Would you run your business without goals, marketing, targets, advertising, PR, staff and customers - eh, no I don't think so.
  Would you be able to succeed in business without communicating - ha ha ha
  Would you be able to serve your customers if you didn't know what their needs were
  If there was a gap in your market would you try and fill it?
  Do you allow for feedback from directors and managers?

If you let that rumble around for a wee while then take a minute or an hour and think about your relationship - past, present or future - what do you do that can be improved?  What training do you need to be a better partner?

Jackie Walker

www.thedivorcecoach.co.uk

You know something just isn't right in your relationship. You know that you can't keep on living like this. But at the same time you don't know how to get help because there's always someone at your shoulder looking at your emails, listening to your phone calls, watching your internet history - ok - so what can you do which might help you? You might have to start the way you are going to go on - you just might have to consider not being joined at the hip, and to carve out some 'me' time. You need time to process what's going on in your mind when you're not being watched and questionned. So how do you do that?

First -

Start by taking small steps towards separating yourself from the situaton -

It might mean going and having a bath and locking the door.

It might mean starting to take walks in the evening or during the day.

It might mean finding something to do on your own just for an hour or two at the weekends.

Second -

You need to remember that there are two of you involved in this situation and neither of you are feeling comfortable.

It's so natural to pull back inside yourself, and they will too - you don't want to be honest and talk about what you're really feeling and neither do they. What if either of you said something which couldn't be taken back? BUT and it's a big but, can you remember what it was like before you got here - d'you remember how you used to discuss everything?

Third -

Know what it is you want. Know what it is you want to change and then start to look at how you can incorporate that into your life by you doing the changing first. Yes, I know, you think it's the other person, and ironically it's often us who has done a bit of cutting the nose off to spite our face. Tough pill to swallow - but just check and see where you have been guilty of the things you accuse him/her of.

Fourth -

Stop, look and listen - the Tufty code for those of us old enough to remember how to cross the road safely. Is what you think is the issue the real issue? Is the fact that she's grumpy when you get home the key to the problem, is it that his dumping boxers and socks, car parts, whatever in the wrong place really the issue - or is it that you don't feel valued? What part of you is calling out for attention and are you paying attention to the wrong thing?

Fifth -

How to seek help and speak up in a safe environment – you might want to learn how to clear the history tabs from your computer - this is how -

Tools - internet options - browsing history and delete where it indicates.

Email - set up a hotmail or google mail account for your eyes only which remains web based and not downloaded into Outlook or similar.

Phone - landlines - dial another number quickly after the last one you dialled.

Mobiles - Delete call logs immediately.

And a final top  tip above and beyond the 5 specials - you need to take special care of your 'footsteps' if you are feeling under threat in anyway.  Feeling guilty shows in your face, in your mannerisms, and in your tone of voice.  Could you consider speaking to your partner and saying how you feel - you would have to be prepared to be vulnerable and perhaps even 'wrong' but isn't that preferable to the inner turmoil you are now experiencing?  Could you find it in you to tell your partner that you want help to put it right or at least find out what's causing the problem and therefore sort it?  Could you both take some time to sort out what at first glance seems insurmountable but is usually down to something very simple - you've either outgrown one another, want different things, have different values or are feeling under pressure and have retreated into your normal coping patterns.  There is very little which is new - it's just how it shows up in different lives.  You are normal and so is your partner.

I'm here to talk to if that will help - Freephone 0800 019 6862.  I'm on call from 7am till 10pm most days - if I'm not available, I'll call you back to arrange a better time.  Skype me on jackiewalker1 - we can either message or talk - either way - reach out for help, it's a sign of strength not weakness.

Jackie Walker

www.thedivorcecoach.co.uk