The Divorce Coach

D'you know that one of the most challenging aspects of my work is getting women to admit that they're angry and men to admit that they're scared.

It seems to be that anger isn't seemly in women and is kind of drummed out of them at a very young age. Men are meant to be able to cope with everything and aren't afraid of anything.

What a load of twaddle, don't you think?

Girls, think of when you say you're sad or hurt - how much of that is actually anger that you are mis-naming?

Guys when you get angry is it really that you're afraid of something?

These emotions are so important to identify. They are there for different reasons.

Anger points out to you that you aren't being loved enough - either by yourself or someone else. You can easily replace love with other words such as respect or support if the 'love' word is a bit too out there at the moment - I remember it was for me!

There is no point in using anger to sort out your fears - it is much more useful to get in touch and admit to being afraid and know what it is you are really scared might happen.

If you keep anger and lose fear it's a dangerous combination. The first thing to go therefore has to be anger. And if you think you aren't angry just look for other words - frustrated, annoyed, pi**ed off, cross etc. If you think they're not afraid then just see what it is that's driving them - usually a fear of lack of something - love, rejection, acceptance, having enough, money, kids

Try adding some words into these template sentence

I get so angy when s/he does that because it makes me feel (fill in with your words) and that means that I am (fill in with your words)

I am scared when s/he does that because it makes me feel (fill in with your own words) and that means that I am (fill in with your words)

Note: I've worked with Royal Marines and adventure explorers, guys who are the strongest, bravest and most courageous people ... and each and every time we've got into the anger, it's been a fear.

Jackie Walker

www.thedivorcecoach.co.uk

Robert Booth in the Guardian last week reported on the state of marriage breakdown

  - Marriage must be re-established as the "gold standard" for relationships to halt an "epidemic" of family breakdown ­­which is overwhelming the family courts, Mr Justice Coleridge, a family division judge  said yesterday.

This brings to mind the question

Is marriage to be 'gold standarded' just to keep the family courts from being overwhelmed?

If so, one can't help but feel that this is shutting the door after the horse has bolted.

Divorce is not the problem, marriage breakdown is not the problem - the problem is that as a society we do not know how to relate well any longer.  By gold standarding marriage the suggestion is that by being in a marriage then you are relating well .... I just don't think it's as easy as that, do you? 

Society has changed, relationships have changed, we have to provide alternative solutions.  We are not living in the age for which the family law was built.

The previous week the Observer reported that feuding couples should split in this article by Amelia Hill. 

With all this conflicting advice, is it any wonder that confusion reigns supreme.  What are people to think, what is the right or the wrong approach to relationship breakdown - should a couple breakup or stay together?

The Department for Children, Families and Schools quoted by Robert Booth

"... That is why the government is committed to doing more to support parents and children experiencing family breakdown and to provide preventative support to help families maintain strong, stable relationships."

What have we seen as evidence that the government is doing more by providing preventative support?  Have you noticed relating classes? Have you been funded to help you learn how to relate?.  If anyone has the answer to this I'd love to see it.

Meantime, Breakup Angels' Jackie Walker and Kirsten Gronning will continue to provide help for those who don't know whether to mend or end their relationship, and all the ongoing help which ever option they choose.  I will continue to run classes to help you relate better, to learn how to communicate with one another, to know the trouble spots, the bumps in the road.  Unfortunately I can't do it for free but I promise to do it as cost effectively as possible until the government start to pay out to help us.

My guess is though that the government has enough of its own relationship issues - with the country to start!

One of my favourite Rod Stewart tracks and highly apt for today's blog - you'll see why in a minute.

No names here, just a scenario to put things into perspective.  I had a call yesterday from a very worried friend of someone who is suffering from deep depression about the end of her 2nd marriage.  This marriage lasted a very short few weeks and was based on a relationship with a man she met online.

 I explained to the friend that this was such a common scenario, particularly for those who have given no heed to 'mending' after the first breakup - be it marriage or not.   With divorce statistics being as they are many people find themselves in the position of saying 'well I'll just dust myself down and get on with life and find myself a new partner' with little to no understanding of themselves, what they want, what they need, and who they are as happy individuals on their own.

That means that they are entering second relationships with fear, neediness, desperation, loneliness and an inability to love openly.  Much of that may be unknown to them - they think that they're fine - but just take a look around and see how many choose unsuitable partners, how many choose carbon copies, how many jump out of the frying pan into the fire.

As Rod points out in the lyrics of his song

I still want you by my side
Just to help me dry the tears that Ive cried
And Im sure going to give you a try
And if you want Ill try to love again
Baby Ill try to love again but I know

When this second relationship breaks down what happens is that the person feels a variety of emotions such as - stupid, unloveable, not good at relationships, rejected, and may feel that folk are laughing at them.  It is such a deep and black hole because it adds to the often unacknowledged (shoved to the back of the cupboard) pain from the first relationship breakup.

The answer is to sort yourself out before you enter a serious new relationship - by all means practise, have fun, explore, find out who you are and what you want - but please, please take care before you commit to someone else.  You need to have a life, have a strong sense of independence and a belief that the relationship is adding to your happiness and is not the pure source of it.

For help with finding out how to achieve all this and more, get in touch with me, I'm here to help.

Jackie Walker

www.thedivorcecoach.co.uk

We all know about the holiday romance, but what about the holiday divorce?  Last year I was interviewed by Roger Collis for the New York Times and we discussed the problems couples face when going on holiday. 

Last week at the Leicester Divorce Fair, I asked the audience to take a break from the heavy presentations on the legal and financial aspects of divorce as it was a very hot night and folk were suffering.  Instead I asked them who was going on holiday and when they'd made plans for their summer break.  

(Isn't this cool - Jackie Walker speaking at the Walker Stadium - and pic to prove it!)

If you chose to put as much effort into thinking about your life and your relationship as you do your summer holiday, you might well find that there could be different results.  I wrote a blog entry a couple of years ago - Divorce as a holiday which you might find useful.

Top tips are:

• It is not the always the cure all for relationship issues - give yourself space
• If you've had too much space - get cosy!
• It can encourage communication - if you are prepared to open up and let it
• It will end - remember when you come home to keep up your promises to one another
• There are 50 other weeks of the year - do not let 2 weeks determine your future
• Remember to share interests - sunbathing, sightseeing, adventure, play, shopping

Good luck and if you need any help working through your issues before holiday - give me a call, I've got loads of ideas and tricks up my sleeves!

Jackie Walker

www.thedivorcecoach.co.uk

Read as you will.

Yesterday on Twitter @lindyasimus tweeted this -

Girl to her boyfriend: “One kiss and I'll be yours forever.” His reply “Thanks for the early warning.”

How often do folk get themselves into troublesome situations because they have ignored the early warning signs?

Cher sang 'It's in his kiss' - can you tell what's in his or her kiss?  Maybe you have to learn how to tune into your partner or rather tune into what your feelings are actually telling you about your situation and not what you want to believe.

There's a fine line between fact and fiction when we choose to see what we want to see, or hear what we want to hear, or feel what we want to feel.  The truth is that's exactly where all the problems start.

I have a client at the moment who is delaying making any decision as she is living in constant hope that it'll all change.  That he'll change, that she can go back to playing happy families - which they haven't in truth been doing for years.  He hasn't and she is now facing facts and not fiction as she'd like it to be.

So how do you know what the truth is - how do you tune into your senses?

Everyone knows 'What's your gut feeling' - most folk don't pay it due attention.  What does your heart say - most folk listen to their head and try and make sense of what their heart really knows is best.

This week get out of your logical brain and give yourself time to tune into what's really happening - stop for a minute and see where you feel something in your body - it could be anywhere, but most likely locations are somewhere in your stomach, chest, throat or head.  Keep a note of what you think that feeling might be trying to say to you.

I play a game with my 12 year old daughter to keep her senses alive - she can now tell when I'm thinking of her and giving her a remote hug - imagine if you could tune yourself up to do the same.  And yes, it's possible, very possible.

Intuition is loud, strong and cheap! Ignore it at your peril.

Your way to faster communication, happiness and knowing the truth is tuning into your early warning signs.

If you need help to tune into your intuition, give me a call or drop me a line - I'm already expecting to hear from you ;)

Jackie Walker

www.thedivorcecoach.co.uk

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